Sunday, April 02, 2006

disheveled

Faux pas. Haihz. How could i have been so dumb. i feel retarded.its like you see the endless bottomless pit ahead, u tell yourself to avoid it at all cost and yet u slip. u fall. u screw up and worst of it all u fall without knowing ur falling.

George elliot once said.."There's no disappointment in memory, and one's exaggerations are always on the good side." so perhaps im justified to rant n rave here bascially at myself. i have always carried my sister's testing thing for her whenever we go out, but this time instead of puttin it in my bag i was holding it in my hand. Why?? i know not. I really didnt mean to loose it.i didn even know i had lost it till lyk a few mins ago. i was almost certain that i had brought it home but maybe i did drop it in da cab afterall. haihz. how could i be so irresponsible. no one was mad at me for loosing it which makes it weirder. but im mad at myself. haihz.well she's got a replacement. but im her big sis. im supposed to look after her. im supposed to not loose such stuff.especially such important stuff. i feel retarded. like a loser. why must i be so dumb? why cant i be perfect? okie mayb tt's pushin it. but yes everyone makes mistakes. n if my mistakes affects me i couldn care less.but here it affects my sis. any1 else and i probably wouldn care tt much.but she is one person who i care the MOST about. more than anything. more than my own self. ive asked GOD so many times to make her life gd nice filled with happiness. whatever problems she has to face give it me damnit. ill figure my way through it. im a fighter n ill fight to the end. i admire my sis's strength tho. her ability to be mad, crazy absoultely carefree admist it all. for that im glad. but still i feel inadequte. its at times like these when ur inadeqeucies begin to shed their shadow like a phantom from the past. engulfed i am. maybe it was just one of those things that were just meant to happen. no explanations about it. but still...i cant help feelin the way i do. and urgh i soooo do not feel like gg back to the rut again tomolo.

Jane austen said in mansfield park, "There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere . . . " how true. comfort is on the horizon then =) its so true you know. the last person id expect to cheer me up did. thx arun.=) alas another day lies awaiting perhaps in the gallows beyond or in the skies above.


Posted by shellsofsilence at 9:56 PM